I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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