I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
