Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize