You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
