Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just gift wrapped bread.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
wow bdsm is so cute
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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