I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.