Texts From Last Night

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  (631): View more from New York

  If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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  (631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me. http://tfl.nu/ugtt
  Replies (8) Good night (1006) Bad night (1479)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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  (785): Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face. http://tfl.nu/ktzo
  Replies (26) Good night (3971) Bad night (1015)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5

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  (850): I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5 http://tfl.nu/td44
  Replies (58) Good night (822) Bad night (4870)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.

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  (808): I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends. http://tfl.nu/mxrh
  Replies (20) Good night (4742) Bad night (726)
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  (858): View more from California

  Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

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  (858): Why do you apologize after every time we have sex? http://tfl.nu/3g2b
  Replies (27) Good night (839) Bad night (8455)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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  (307): We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives. http://tfl.nu/qq5e
  Replies (22) Good night (4676) Bad night (1021)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

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  (647): Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor. http://tfl.nu/ry4y
  Replies (8) Good night (1549) Bad night (556)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?

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  (412): Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony? http://tfl.nu/xq89
  Replies (4) Good night (832) Bad night (433)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.

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  (904): I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends. http://tfl.nu/6wle
  Replies (3) Good night (1002) Bad night (431)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.

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  (901): I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy. http://tfl.nu/38oe
  Replies (6) Good night (443) Bad night (1018)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you still free tonight?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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  (508): Are you still free tonight? (1-508): Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid http://tfl.nu/yjum
  Replies (2) Good night (1186) Bad night (439)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger

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  (740): I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger http://tfl.nu/dzx4
  Replies (2) Good night (671) Bad night (298)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs

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  (303): When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs http://tfl.nu/j5ii
  Replies (5) Good night (557) Bad night (422)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit

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  (610): Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit http://tfl.nu/pp9n
  Replies (3) Good night (844) Bad night (257)
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  (619): View more from California

  you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle

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  (619): you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle http://tfl.nu/c9ca
  Replies (3) Good night (314) Bad night (835)

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