I'm so fucking centered right now
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I would ride that face into the sunset
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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