high people should be assigned attendants
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
