You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
