So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
