i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
