Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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