you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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