i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
