bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
