I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
