saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
