Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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