is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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