Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
