Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
