STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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