I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
