did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
