she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
