im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
