Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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