so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
