I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
this beer tastes like vomit already
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
