we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
