Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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