You just made me feel so damn special
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
