i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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