i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
