This is not my ceiling
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
