the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
