When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
