we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
