So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
