I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We had sex on a dog bed..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
