My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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