did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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