A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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