Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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