shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't deserve a penis
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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