She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
