A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
