then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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