You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
