I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
