My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize