if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So vagazzling was a success
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
