Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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