Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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