haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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