I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
