He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
