I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
